Is this really my life?
These were the questions I asked myself as I was sitting on the Witness stand at my own divorce hearing staring down at a printed version of one of my blog posts.
In all honesty I experienced two very contrasting phenomena. First I thought, these people are my most avid readers! And I was amused by that. But then that was followed by a momentary feeling of discouragement.
Not about the divorce…because although a horrible process, it was a necessary one.
But about writing.
Because over the last two years opposing counsel would submit my blog posts as evidence, or in court filings as if they were somehow articles of impeachment concerning my character.
And briefly I would think, why don’t I just stop writing?
Why don’t I just eliminate the fodder completely?
And so I kind of stopped.
And once I stopped writing I got lost a bit because I had become disconnected from my passion, my purpose, my energy source.
But the other day I got an email from someone I don’t know.
Just two lines:
I miss your blog. I hope you’re well.
And I reflected on why I stopped writing and posting. I stopped writing because I began to drown in the ever-deep waters of WTF.
Let me explain…
The ever-deep waters of WTF is an abyss. It’s when you start asking yourself questions like:
WTF did I do all that work for to only get to right here?
WTF was all that training for this year just to be sidelined?
WTF did I leave for if I’m never going to win again?
I WAS DROWNING.
And by the way the answer to those questions, all of them is: because it was the right thing to do.
I have been through so much shit.
So much, and sometimes I look at the grey hairs on the crown of my head and think I earned these babies. And sometimes I think, I’m only 34 and I’m tired, and would really like to have one of those stretches of time where I’m out here like Mihambo dropping 7m plus on everybody all year long, plus watching my nest egg grow, plus being with someone who lights my fire, plus growing my businesses all at the same time.
I’m like, “universe, can I just have one year?”
And the universe is like, “nah”.
Why? Because that’s not my story.
My story is one of radical resilience.
Coming back from things most people don’t come back from. Living to tell the tale, and having the courage to tell it.
Like, learning to love my face after being molested in high school, because I had been praying that god make me beautiful (I was a late bloomer) and my molester whispered in my ear mid-act “well you shouldn’t be so damn beautiful”
Like, sitting in bankruptcy court, a lifetime ago, alone yet not, explaining my “situation” in front of a room full of strangers waiting for their moment of judgment, a judge, and my attorney I met for the first and last time that day, and bouncing back by earning over a million dollars.
Like, being estranged and isolated from almost my entire family and learning how to stitch those severed ties back together.
Like, losing every competition in 2016 EXCEPT for the Olympics.
Like, trusting, being betrayed, and trusting again.
Like, loving, getting my heart broken, and loving again.
Like, getting divorced thinking it will change my life for the better and taking a metaphorical beating from the universe from the moment I did, and still believing that the change I desire is just around the river bend.
Like, earning a million dollars, and never seeing it, and believing you can make it back and some.
Like, trying to be brave and honest and open only to get sued for defamation, and commit to continued bravery, honesty, and openness.
Like, having your season ended early because of a sprained ankle, doing the rehab, only to have the next season derailed by same ankle.
This is my life.
AND…I get to train this year to make the US Olympic team so that I can defend my title.
So one can see how deep the WTF waters can get right?
But check this out…
How strong do you think I am now?
What do I absolutely know about myself now that I’ve gone through and come through all of that?
How strong are you now?
Now that you’ve gone through and are on the other side of that thing you thought would kill you but didn’t.
What do you know about yourself now, with absolute certainty, that you would not have known had you not gone through that “thing”?
Odds are, your newfound strength and newfound knowledge about yourself will serve you well moving forward.
Welcome to what it takes to level up in anything.
Welcome to the world of “there’s gotta be more to life”
Because to unlock that door, you’ve gotta go through some shit.
Because you have to acquire something you don’t already have to get to a place you’ve never been.
I call it radical resilience.
And understand that this ability to bounce back, to dust yourself off, and face life again is a blessing.
Like a video game, sometimes you die in the same spot OVER AND OVER AND OVER (I’m sorry Lara Croft) but you keep playing and guess what…
you don’t die there this time.
Because every time you failed and died before you learned something.
And every time you pushed “enter” on that “play again?” screen as badly as you may have felt, deep down there was a confidence, there was something you knew for sure about that situation that you didn’t know before and you carried that forward with you.
I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen, with anything.
I have hopes.
I prepare my mind and body to pursue the goals I have for myself
but I don’t really know how it shakes out.
I do know one thing though.
And whatever happens, good bad or indifferent you’ll know where to find me, dusting myself off getting ready to face the next thing.
Blogger’s Note: I may have not been posting to my blog but I did NOT stop writing or creating. If you’ve read this far, and you’re feeling like you need some help with Radical Resilience I’ve got you. While I was away from my blog I created an online talk series called “How To Do Hard Shit” typically it cost $37 to access. BUT I feel it’s important for somebody out there to bust through that inertia of being crippled by heavy shit going on in their lives right now and to start generating some momentum. So from now until my next blog post you can have access to this talk series for $13.
Click here to take advantage of this limited time offer. Let the world know that you’re still here. Still fighting.